…which is, psychologically, Friday night.
I’ve taken a progesterone (sleepiness is a side effect), a Xanax, and two antihistamines with a decongestant, and my brain won’t shut down.
The ruminations just keep spinning and twirling around and I can’t relax. I’ve done breathing exercises, muscle relaxing exercises.
I just want it to stop.
There’s also the fretting and worrying about money. Two consecutive shitty schedules with paltry hours. I asked for five days off for a staycation to work on my domicile and I got extra days off I didn’t ask for. So, I’m kind of pissed. This is so typical in retail work; requesting time off to, you know, have a personal life, and you get fucked.
I just want to sleep. I just want that scaredy-cat man, who set something between us in motion 33 months ago to get out of my head. He’s never going to talk to me directly. Geeze, like he doesn’t scare me as much as I think I scare him. I’m tired of weird, nebulous behavior that hints at interest. He’s going to keep his feelings secret till we both die of old age.
My psychology degree works against me.
I’m tired of people saying, “Oh, people don’t change.” Bullshit. If they didn’t, the entire mental health field would be a complete waste of time. My whole life has been nothing but change and evolution.
Unfortunately, I keep giving THAT benefit of the doubt to some people who are unworthy of it. I’m learning, but there are still some rough details to work on.
God, I desperately need a road trip. I seriously need to get away from EVERYTHING and everybody. I need to go somewhere far away with my camera—my real one, not the one on my phone—and my journal and lots of writing instruments. Unfortunately, that will take a financial miracle, if I want to do it right, and I do.
I hate my apartment. I hate Winter Springs. I hate our governor. I miss living by myself. I miss being able to afford living by myself. I miss my cat. I miss expendable income. I miss freedom. I miss being toned and in shape. I miss engaging in formal education. I miss Fall in Portland. I miss excellent coffee and coffeehouses. I miss hiking. I miss biking.
I miss being able to unwind.
It’s going on 3 am. I have to get up for work in five hours.
I think I’m going to give sleep another try.
Photo by me. I took this shot of the moon over my street in August 2021.