It’s so sad

It’s so sad, disappointing, and confusing…

It’s sad that some people never learned how to properly express love toward a romantic interest.

From my Rider-Waite deck. My photo.

Over the years I’ve been emotionally entangled with several guys who were so insecure and ill equipped to gently, lovingly express their interest in me that they felt they had to do something mean just to see if it hurt me. Because if it hurt me, that must mean I care about them, or want them. Maybe they don’t even understand how to interpret my resulting behavior. Maybe, on some level, they know it is not normal, or nice, or endears me to them, or that it will end in broken hearts and absolute failure.

All the guys who did this to me were very well educated. It makes me wonder about how people are so frightened by emotions they hyper-focus on obtaining their degrees, or building their careers. The ones who eventually married, might have latched onto the low hanging fruit who had their own agendas (marrying a lawyer, doctor, architect, someone who’d make a bundle), or were willing to tolerate such a glaring, hurtful flaw.

All I know is that they needed counseling to understand their cruelty and their own insecurities. And, I need counseling to figure out why the fuck I keep attracting guys like this.

I deserve better. All good people do.


And, here’s the saddest part. If anyone one of these guys would have gathered the courage to say to me, “ I know I’ve been a jerk. I’ve been doing stupid, hurtful things to all the women I’ve ever really wanted. I am willing to get counseling. I just don’t know how to conduct myself…” I would have hugged them, and told them if they were really sincere, I’d help them learn. I’m an extremely understanding person and compassionate to those who are willing to try.

If just one of those idiots would have done that, I’d have more hope for humanity, and it would have transformed both of our lives.

All photos are mine.

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