2:45 am bloggy

Relaxing glow from my Himalayan salt lamp.

Yay! I thought it was 3:45 am because I looked at the digital clock that I have to manually adjust.

An extra hour. An extra hour.

Not really. But, I can dream.

Daylight savings time ended in the USA, on the East Coast at 2:00 am. In California, Oregon and Washington it’s still 12:48 am.

Time is such a weird concept. I’m sure there are philosophers and cognitive psychologists out there trying to define a construct of it. One of my former professors at USF, in Tampa, Tram Neill, used to generalize his cognitive research as a quest to find a construct for the phenomenon of consciousness. He was, and still is, I’m sure, a frigging genius. We don’t speak anymore. He got mad at me over something personal and ghosted me. I regret what I said to him-sort of.

Oh well, life goes on, and my immediate concerns are: why is my head still spinning and my mind bopping around? I almost feel as though I’m having an acute ADHD episode. But, never having been diagnosed with that disorder, I seriously doubt it’s that. I think I’m just especially restless.

This has been such a frustrating year-actually two years now, thanks to that nasty coronavirus. I had so many plans to fix things in my life, many of which require a lot of physical work. This year I’ve just had health issue after health issue pile on me, each one of which has limited my ability to use my body for work.

Just having the health issues drop on me has been traumatic. I’m now 61 ( yeah, when the fuck did THAT happen?), and up until this year these were my biggest health problems: acne until accutane was born, allergies, very low self esteem (I still battle that), horrible cramps (probably endometriosis), respiratory allergies, corrective eyesight, pre-cancerous cervical cells (normal Pap smears every time for over thirty years), deviated septum, skin cancer (very scary at first, but I stay in touch with my excellent dermatologist), sleep apnea (also monitored and treated with a CPAP machine), and a bad left knee (superbly replaced by my excellent orthopedic surgeon). So, I’ve been lucky. Nothing on this list has been too terrifying.

Then came the positive Cologuard test, the three very large polyps removed and another colonoscopy three months after the first. The last look at my gut found nothing scary, but I’m supposed to be vigilant. The two colonoscopies together revealed evidence of acid reflux (I get about two episodes of reflux a year), hialatal hernia, and diverticulosis. Then there was the thickening uterine walls and the polyp and the pre-cancerous vulvar cells, and a new squamous cell lesion on my upper left back-shoulder area. I had two D&C’s, and had the pre-cancerous vulvar cells cut out and the post-op sitz bath gave me a pinched nerve in my lower back and a pulled muscle in my right abdomen. Only I could accomplish such a feat merely soaking my tush.

Then came my accident, and the broken right shoulder, and the loss of my crumpled car. Actually, the auto accident happened during the treatments for all these other things.

It’s quite a shock having what I considered a boring medical history to having all that crap dumped on me at once.

I do know how I lucky I am that it’s not worse. And, I am grateful for that.

I feel like the Universe just wants me to let it take over, to let me just float in this stream and have faith it will lead me to the huge, sturdy dry rock that will help me regain my bearings.

It’s just in my nature to fight for what I want, for what I think is the best thing for me. I have always had a tough time letting go.

I have this same problem when I’m interested in a man and it seems mutual, but there are obstacles that need to be maneuvered over or around, and it’s hard for me to let go and say, “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” I get obsessed. Not just with thoughts and plans, but with men I’m attracted to romantically. it’s hard to let go and have faith.

I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be learning the lesson of how to let go and have faith. It’s just so hard for a hands-on learner, such as myself.

I’ve rambled. I’m going to read a few pages of a Tim Dorcey novel and crash.

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