It feels worse than a bad hair day

I am in a rotten mood. My inner Scorpio is being unleashed. I’m on my lunch. I got here at 8:30 am. It’s my first real break.

My head cashier let me pre-pay for my sandwich, which should be in the panini grill, and other lunch items. I was starving so I ate a beef jerky stick while I was in line to pay.

I think mostly what is driving my horrible mood is that I wasn’t supposed to even be here today. I was disrespected in how I got here today. Just slapping in another shift after the schedule has been up for over a week without asking or telling is just fucking wrong.

That was my lunchtime scribbling.

😡😃😡😃😡😃😡😃😡😃😡😃😃

I’m bipolar, hence, the 😡😆😡😆😡😆😡

Lunchtime is over. It’s 3:49 pm. I’m in a parking spot smack in the middle of my primary’s office and my orthopedic’s office.

It’s raining, but starting to stop. The sun is trying to break through.

I have an appointment with Dr. Lauridsen’s stand-in at 4:15 pm. I decided to sit in my car and scribble out some more of this blog.

Where was I? Oh yeah, work and my rotten mood. I was good about masking my shitty mood for customers but, I shared it with some of my co-workers. I told the opening head cashier that I was super pissed about being there because of HOW I got there and that I really could have used it as a mental health day. The week has sucked.

I know I mentioned that Rose had to put her cat down Monday night/Tuesday morning. That was heartbreaking. On Tuesday, I found out I have another squamous cell carcinoma spot. It’s my second one. I had one on my right hand removed in March of 2019 and a basal cell two weeks later.

This against the backdrop of my other health issues and hating my home life and being disappointed with my new job-it just feels like a constant journey of three steps forward; two back; four steps forward; five back.

And, don’t give me that, “Well, that’s life,” bullshit cause it’s not. Not for everyone. People who will tell me that are not listening or doing the math.

Yes, life is a stream of forward and backward steps. FOR MANY PEOPLE ITS A NET GAIN. What I described is a NET LOSS-spinning my wheels without progress.

I guess that’s one of the things I love about school. It’s a stream of taking classes in which each one gets you closer to your goal. You can see and feel progress and you KNOW you are making progress unless, of course, you are a lazy party animal. Then get the fuck out of my school and quit skewing the average GPA in the losing direction.

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

It’s 4:06. I’m gonna head into the office.

4:55 pm. That’s done. I got my work order for the hypoglycemia test, and I got the first of two shingles vaccines. I get the second one in 3-4 months. Damn, the nurse was right; it’s pinching and stinging now. Way worse than the COVID vaccine. That didn’t hurt at all, but she was quick with the needle.

Information sheet on my shingles vaccine.

Dr. Lauridsen’s substitute was Dr. Smuckler. He’s an MD. He brought up the shingles vaccine and I said, “Yes, glad you brought that up. Give it to me.”

About to leave my primary’s office.

Now, I’m going to Walgreens to pick up my skin surgery antibiotics. First stopping at Publix.

🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀

I’m at my second home: Publix at the Winter Springs Town Center. I’m getting a salad and having my lottery tickets checked.

6:15 pm. I got home at 6:00 pm-three hours after my shift ended. I hate errands. But, they are done. My tickets were duds. Dern.

It’s funny that I’m in a much better mood now that I am out of work. No, seriously, I was having my familiar gut pain all day at work. I swear the moment I punched out at 3:03 pm, the pain started to subside. My body is definitely talking to me. I’m pretty sure I’ve got some irritable bowel going on. Stress is a big factor with IBS.

Wow! Could it have anything to do with in the time span of four months this was my life: my beloved cat died; a possible romantic attachment/relationship died; I began a new job thinking it was going to be a huge improvement; new job has turned into a disappointment, and yet, it still is a slight improvement; had my first colonoscopy that yielded four large polyps that were removed, but their size necessitated a second colonoscopy (that happens next month); I learned that the ONE issue I thought I had (the colon) turned into three; I learned I had a uterine polyp and spots on my vulva; either of them could have been cancer; I had a D&C to get rid of my polyp, lovingly referred to as, Little Throcky; I learned that the vulvar spots are pre-cancer and the polyp was benign-thank God for some good news; I learned I have another spot of skin cancer, and there’s the ongoing dysfunctional condition of my domestic life.

I firmly believe that last variable has played a huge part in my health issues exploding. Being an essential worker during this pandemic did not help, either. So, I think I’ve gone through enough shit.

My bright spots were: getting my taxes caught up and getting my refunds and one of the last two stimulus checks. Tomorrow I’m calling to see if I can learn where the number two check is. And I got my COVID vaccination. And, a couple of adorable men have begun flirtations with me, but the dumbbunnies are married, so oh please. Call me when you divorce your spouses. I don’t want to be a mistress, a rebound woman, or a fling. I play for honest keeps.

Ooh, I shouldn’t call them, “dumbbunnies.” Facebook calls that hate speech and I’m currently in Facebook jail. I’m half tempted to delete my profile and mosey on to smart pastures,

Dear Facebook, BITE ME.

That I would rather be in this dump of an apartment than at work is a sad indication that I need to make changes in my life. Creative improvements. I’m taking steps in that direction. I just wish I would make a net improvement.

Please don’t misconstrue my rotten mood with being ungrateful. I’m very grateful for all the good things in my life and the things that make my life less crappy. I fully understand that no matter how bad life is sucking, it could suck worse.

I didn’t get COVID, and I wasn’t in that condo that collapsed near Miami last night. God, I hope they find those 99 missing people alive, but I am not betting on that. That is truly devastating and horrible. ❤️ to them.

Thus, I’m grateful it doesn’t suck worse.

And, I did have a bad hair day. My hair is very fine and misbehaved all day. It’s time to get it layered again.

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