A late night blog

I guess it’s also an early morning blog, or bloggette, because I don’t want be up this late, but I am. I began ruminating while I was in the shower and I can’t shut off the thought flow.

Sunset in the Lower Keys, Florida. I took this photo in June 2005.

This is so why I want the writer’s life. I want to make my own schedule. I want the writing or creative juices to flow during hours that benefit circadian rhythms.

Yes, it’s possible to train your brain to turn the creativity on and off. My schedule gets f***ked up by my retail schedule. I hate it.

Well, I’m already off track a bit. In the shower I ruminated about how unsatisfactory and dysfunctional my domestic life is. It’s depressing.

I don’t understand people who are not self reflective, who think it’s another’s responsibility to plan their lives, to do the work for them. I cannot comprehend how some people cannot look at their own behavior and say to themselves, “Geeze, maybe if I would have done X instead of doing Q, things would be better.” I want to surround myself with THOSE kinds of people.

I don’t understand the philosophy of having no regrets. Really? There is nothing you would have changed? I think it’s a little irresponsible to maintain that point of view. How does a person learn anything constructive about life without ever having any regrets? I think it’s denial.

I’m not saying that people should constantly live in the past and continuously punish themselves for past mistakes. I’m saying the opposite.

Learn about what got messed up. Take responsibility for your own behavior. Know that you can learn and do better and that you can improve your life.

It’s very difficult to live with the kind of person who lacks self reflection and the motivation to improve life.

I have been on auto pilot too long. I need to make some calls to the mental health counselors that are part of the list I constructed weeks ago.

My issue is cost. Not many psychologists take insurance and not many psychiatrists give talk therapy. I want the talkies. I guess I will need to call Florida Blue for some help. I was going to call and pay August’s and September’s premiums anyway. While I have a little extra cash I’m trying to stay ahead of health insurance payments. Right now, I have June and July paid. That’s a bit of a relief.

I just need a guide to prod me into more focused action, one who will help me FEEL that I deserve a better home life. I cognitively KNOW I do, but altering emotions and beliefs is a much harder, dirtier task than being presented with facts and realizing your thoughts need altering.

I guess that all I want to say for now. I really need sleep. It’s 2:49 am.

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