I seriously have not had a good night’s sleep since just before Cammie died when I realized her life was coming to an end.
I’ve had one crisis or another almost every week since then. I’m trying to build up a body of writing to help me claim a content writing job. At this phase of my life, it’s do or die with achieving my dreams.
I’m sick of compromising my joy of writing, of creating my art for some meaningless job THAT BARELY PAYS MY DAMN BILLS. I know I’m not alone in this.
It’s difficult working a retail schedule and trying to create a steady writing schedule. Retail, honestly, is soul sucking work. Simultaneously having that feeling and being grateful to be employed and able to work is often a difficult emotional game of juggling.
I’m not giving up but, every time I start writing something and then realize how fucking wiped out I am, I get furious. I am not staying trapped in this crappy lifestyle. I want a better way of earning a lucrative living. I want a better car. I want my own home. I want it to be a place I can be proud of-a place I get to decorate anyway I want. I’ve wanted to return to that since May 25, 2007.
Tonight is one such night that I’m feeling the exhaustion of my situation combined with the fury at not being able to express my creativity when the fire is hot. I began writing a blog while we had a late lunch/early dinner at IHOP. I’m too damn exhausted to finish it.
I had three hours of sleep and two pre-ops today. It’s a lot of emotional energy to deal with. I’m scared, worried, frustrated, angry that I’ve had to tolerate this pain every day since January. I can only imagine how people in hospice feel. I am very grateful I am not in that horrible, scary situation.
Nonetheless, my feelings are legitimate and I am too exhausted to write and I just cannot force it tonight.
I get so angry when I start writing something that I am really liking and I have to set it aside.
I just want the independence to write for a comfortable, rewarding living….and to be well-rested.
I hope I can finish today’s blog draft tomorrow after work. My shift ends at 4:30. Then I have to pick up a pill my doctor prescribed for me to take at 3:30 am in Wednesday. I have to be at the hospital at 5:15 am. The procedure starts at 7:00 am.