Here we go again.

Damn Big Green P.

With their evil sales.

I went there primarily to get store brand vapor rub-rather than Vicks. They were out of store brand. Stupid allergy season. I got stuck paying the big bucks for Vicks.

I also needed distilled or purified water for my CPAP machine cause I kind of like improved sleep and not dying from sleep apnea correlated health, “events.” Sleep apnea helped kill Princess Leia. Yep, google it.

Sprouts carries purified water but, we run out quickly. Yesterday I had to buy a quart size bottle because we had no gallons left. Today, I just decided to get everything at Publix.

I arrived at my usual Publix, store #62, in Winter Springs. I got my cart and my trouble began when I spied the Grandpa Simpson Oranges and what was next to them: evil St. Patrick’s Day cookies. Damn leprechauns.

The cookies were a little pedestrian for my tastes so I rolled over to the Case of Pure Evil in the bakery department. I became fixated on a chocolate mint bar cake. It was instantaneous love.

I once saw a bumper sticker that said, “If only men were as satisfying as chocolate.” Hmm, rings true for me lately. It doesn’t matter how high the educational level is, they are still dumbbunnies when it comes to fairness in romance. I wish brains were not so sexy and cute but, stupid men were less annoying. Sorry, I digress.

I pushed deeper into the store after plucking the Vicks Vaporub off the shelf and ignored the fact that I was heading AWAY from the bottled water aisle.

I bumped into a Publix yogurt sale: 10 for $10. I like having them for mornings when I need to dash out the door to work or…whatever. I got two.

I turned around and saw Cheerios on BOGO. I don’t eat cereal much but, I haven’t had Cheerios in awhile. They are also handy for rushed breakfasts. I got two boxes of the multigrain variety. Then I NEEDED to have fresh fruit to put in my cereal or yogurt. Damn raspberries were on sale for three bucks.

Remembering I came in for bottled water I turned around and was distracted by the BOGO sign on the bottles of Juicy Juice. ($&@);:/&&), Publix! I added two bottles of cherry juice to my growing pile of loot.

Coffee was around the bend. I’ll just go check out what’s there. Pete’s Sumatra was at eye level. It was on sale. Oh boy. Indonesian coffee is orgasmic. No, really. You can substitute, “coffee,” for, “chocolate,” in the aforementioned bumper sticker and it would be just as valid. Plus, since coffee comes from beans, it is actually a vegetable juice. It was a dark roast, which I am less fond of but, I’ve been craving Indonesians for so long. Besides, it’s on SALE. I tossed it in the cart. It landed next to the cake-a perfect marriage. The ONLY perfect marriage.

I finally turned in the direction of the bottled water and thought, shit, I need to get a six-pack of beer for DJ, the Tire Dude. I’d forgotten before I left Sprouts.

In the water aisle I snagged my two gallons of Publix Purified Water and swiftly retreated before the cheddar popcorn on the opposite side beckoned me. I hate it when it does that.

The beer cooler was one aisle over. I perused the selections completely unsure of what to get. DJ’s buddy said he drinks anything. I settled on Budweiser. It’s the first time I’ve purchased any Bud since I was about 22. I’m a beer snob. I won’t drink it.

Oh, look, breakfast burritos right across from the beer. Somehow, this set-up just screams, “frat boy!” I was never in a “Greek Club,” in college but, I grabbed two sausage and egg burritos.

About those Greeks, the college variety not, the actual variety, when I was going to USF in the 80’s, frats and sororities were looked down upon. At the time, University of South Florida had a large contingent of students over the traditional age (there was even a club) and the concepts of fraternities and sororities just got eye rolls from most of the student body. And many of us maintained the attitude of, I don’t have to pay for friends. There was even a rumor of a petition to keep football out of USF. The belief was that it took emphasis off academics.

Apparently, the people in charge, in the nineties, decided that football teams functioned as great advertising for the university. USF now has college football. Yeah, Go Bulls!

I’m going to enjoy my $50 purified water and Vicks Vaporub.

P.S. I stopped at DJ’s abode and gave him his brewskis. He was happy.