I got a shot in my never gave birth canal. Yes, at about 10:30 am I got poked with a needle to numb the area before I got my vaginal biopsy.

It stayed numb until about an hour ago-five hours. Now it feels like a constant pinching. I’ll say it again: guys, you have it so easy.

I just took an anti-anxiety pill. I don’t know why but, they calm my abdominal pain. I have to google this medication and see if, maybe, there is a muscle relaxing component. That’s the only reason I can think of for it to do that.

Back in the exam room I as I was scooting my butt into the right position for my OBGYN, Dr. Bernal, I asked, “So, did you get a chance to look over the results of my uterine biopsy?” “No, actually, I didn’t get the results yet. It can take up to a week and a half. But, I will look before you go.” I assumed that meant that she gets the results electronically. It makes sense in our technologically driven world.

Then she warned me about the sharp poke. Then I got stuck and it frigging hurt. She tried to distract me with questions about Oregon. “We’ve never been.” “You should go. The Pacific Northwest is the most beautiful part of the country.” She did her biopsy thing and then said, “Well you’re all done.” “Really, that’s it?” “Yes, and I will check to see if the results of your last biopsy came in and I will meet up up front. I want you to come back in two weeks and we can talk about everything.”

I got my britches back on and went up the the check in/out area. The receptionist said I could sit in the waiting area cause there were two people ahead of me.

My turn came and I heard Dr. Bernal’s heals coming our way. I was looking at my calendar to pick a date when she came over and leaned in and said, “I got your results. It was benign.” I actually choked up and my eyes watered. I was so damn relieved. I felt a weight come off me. I know it sounds cliche but, that’s exactly what I felt.

Of course, there is a, “but.” In the exam room just after my vaginal biopsy, I asked her if the abnormal spot was still there. She told me that it was and told me it could be something as simple as an allergic reaction. I had, indeed, used a new soap I bought at Sprouts but, she also ended her list of possibilities with, “…and, it could also be cancer.”

Thus, the relief isn’t complete. I will find out via a phone call. She says no matter the results, she calls her patients. In order to give enough notice to ask for the time off I had to make my next appointment for April 1st. April Fools Day.

Now, its hours since I started writing this. I got about four phone calls Wo of the friends; two of them Florida Blue. The numbing medicine is finished working awhile ago and it hurts. When I sit, the injection site is pinched more. When I stand up it feels like my uterus wants to fall out.

Yay! I love being female. No really, I have no idea how men walk around with those penises. Of course, it lets them make fewer potty stops during road trips. I wish I could comfortably tinkle into an empty Gatorade bottle while driving. My ex was good at such multitasking.