Something I experienced yesterday initiated another look on how I’ve connected the dots of events I’ve faced since 2007. I had a little epiphany.

Defeated. One single word.

It popped into my mind and I realized that is exactly how I feel; how I’ve felt for 19 years.

It looks deceptively easy. Why didn’t I grasp that word out of my mental lexicon and apply it to my emotions years ago?

Being overwhelmed, that’s why. That feeling can make any action seem impossible. It makes every necessary action feel like I need to move Mt. Rainier.

That one little word laid bare the things I have to do to make progress. I need to speak firmly with a few people in my life. I need to make domestic issues a priority. Underpinning that, I need to make my mental health a huge priority.

I found a practice that has both psychologists and psychiatrists that takes my insurance. I had an appointment to begin counseling on 9/21. I had to move it because of the diverticulitis I had a couple weeks ago. I had to go to my gastroenterologist—an unexpected expense. That led to the unexpected expense of a CT scan which had a co-pay of $261.16. With the doctor’s co-pay of $45, that means I blew $306 on a gut issue.

Now, my first counseling appointment is for 10/12. I have to call Humana and find out what my co-pay will be.

Now that I can put a name to my main emotion I feel stronger about taking up the reins and steering my life away from this place it’s in.