Blue light waves. That’s why I shouldn’t be on my phone typing. But, I set my phone to dark mode that switches at around 6:30 pm. It’s supposed to cut down on screwing up your sleep cycle.

It’s just after 2:30 am. I went to bed over an hour ago. As soon as I turned off the light is when the ruminating began. I keep returning to, what the fuck was that all about? Why the 30 second staring contest? Was he trying to tell me he wanted some kind of romantic connection? Me seemed to be on a split up with his spousal unit; did he overestimate his courage while she was 1000 miles away in another state? Why’d he chicken out? Later encounters with him seemed to say that he still was interested in me but… he did nothing to have me….not even when I told him in a letter that I was interested, but only if he unloaded his marital baggage. Did he not think I was worth the trouble? Do I intimidate him, as one of my mail friends suggested? Intimidate him, how? He’s the accomplished one with the very successful career. Maybe he was so focused on that he never put any real effort into learning what kind of woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with? He hooked up with the low hanging fruit—-the woman who didn’t mean so much, the kind that would not totally destroy his heart if she left him? Is he afraid that if he leaves her and it doesn’t work out with us, he’d be alone, and that scares him. Doesn’t he realize that if he’s unhappy, being alone is probably healthier. It a good backdrop fir introspection. I’ve seen photos of them together, body language there looks like she’s way more into him than he is into her, I mean it’s pretty fucking blatant. She doesn’t seem to aware.

Why do I keep attracting these foolish guys who can’t finish one romantic entanglement before beginning another? Maybe THAT’S what he’s doing? Learning how to do that? I hope he’s seeing a shrink; he needs one, What’s going on in his head and heart is a lot for a person to digest and process it’s normal to seek counseling when your marriage isn’t what you want it to be. And, I’m pretty sure he’s not happy there. Maybe that’s why he’s the work-aholic he seems to be.

I know he’s not a player. Those vibes just are not there. He sometimes seems a little shy with me. Shyness covered with goofy, over-the-top flirting. it’s kind of adorable. He’s not gorgeous, but he’s definitely adorable.

I’m mostly over it. By now it’s really academic; observance of behavior. My experimental cognitive psychology brain can’t really let go. I’m always thinking up studies that could be done. Maybe my mind is what attracts him to me? Or, maybe he secretly has a thing for blondes. I have to admit, it’s my favorite hair color. Green eyes, maybe he likes those too? Mine are really teal.

There’s so much more I’d like to say in this public forum, but I care very much for him and want to protect his livelihood. Too many people depend upon his skill and talent. Plus, I know he IS a sweetheart in his soul. He’s a confused man. He needs to decide what and who he wants, but I’m not waiting around. And as much as I know that we could have a great transformational relationship. It might not be easy, but I know the connection would be deep.

That’s what I want in a relationship with a good man, but with one who was completely available, on every level.

They say that love comes knocking when you least expect it. Well, I definitely wasn’t expecting the eye lock that started this off. That eye gaze that tore the door off the closet I hid my attraction to him in.

I just wish he’d restore my hope in humanity by calling and saying, “Can we please talk?” I ain’t holding my breath. I’ll probably never understand what this all means.