No more rollercoaster

Note: this needs editing, it’s 2:46 am and I have to get up in four hours. I just had to get this emotionally upsetting story out. Once I started writing it, I couldn’t stop. I’ll return later today and clean it up.

Note #2: it’s 9:52 pm and I’m unbelievably exhausted. Edits coming tomorrow.

Since January 2020 I’ve been taken on this uncertain, semi-predictable theme park ride by a man a completely trusted and liked.

I initially had a strong attraction to him, but I stifled it; I stuffed all the emotional reactions to him into a closet, nailed the door shut and moved heavy furniture in front of the door. It was hard to do with a bad left knee that was about to be replaced.

Very unexpectedly, at the end of January this man I’d hidden an attraction to stunned me by locking eyes with me for a silent 20-30 seconds. I just held his gaze and kept thinking, “What the fuck is happening?”

What was happening was that that furniture got shoved aside and the door ripped was ripped off the closet as if a hurricane had torn it off.

I was confused, angry even cause I didn’t ask for this and his marital status was questionable. I had to poke around to find out he did indeed have a spouse (I like that word better), yet inspecting her FB page seemed to indicate they were on the outs and she was in a different state. Our relationship was such that I felt uncomfortable asking him what was happening. Besides, I kept telling myself it was all my imagination. His over the top flirting was not really flirting. I had to google certain behaviors to make sure I wasn’t crazy. Without divulging who he was I described his behavior toward me to friends, male and female informed me he seemed to be wanting me. To quote one of my guy friends, “Oh, he wants you bad.”

I spent the better part of a year trying to figure it out. By January 2021 rolled around, I’d decided my friends were right. Also, at that time, the spouse made a return.

Yeah, I was crushed. He seemed very carefree and happy while she was gone. Didn’t seem to feel so much that way in subsequent visits with him. Or, on his FB page.

There have been several times since when I got the vibe they were split again. And, again more flirting from him.

I’ve never gotten player vibes from him. In fact, even during the flirting there was always a sense of subtle shyness, or even a little fear. And, there were always those medium brown eyes that became almost completely black my his enlarged pupils whenever he looked at me.

Yes, it’s one of the physiological signs of attraction that cannot be hidden when people first meet each other, before they get to know and explore each other. Interestingly, pupils will do whenever they fall upon anything they are drawn to: art, a beautiful piece of furniture, or a car. Mine dilate whenever I look at chocolate. At least, I’m pretty sure. You can actually watch the dilation happen if they look away and then back at you. Looking away they shrink; back atcha the grow.

One of this guy’s flaws seems to be a strong jealousy reaction. I’m guessing he knows this is bad and ridiculous and probably knows he should get over it.

I believe he expressed such a reaction to two ancient history photos of of my husband and I that popped up on a friend’s FB page. I thought they were humorous and shared them in my FB page. I got a mean spiteful reaction the next day. Funny, after I posted them, my intuition said to me, “You’re going to get a reaction.” Fine, be a Whiney baby.” That was last September. Ih, by the way, he told me. “ I read all your posts.” I’m positive he didn’t mean just on FB.

A couple months later it appeared the spouse and he were reunited. Ok fine. Stay with your trump fan who likes Newsmax. He, on the other hand, seems so far from being a trump fan or a buyer of non-news, that I began to think this might be an issue between them.

Whatever dude. Me, personally, no matter what the situation, I’d dump a trumper in a New York minute. Politics is personal (a blog post subject I’m kind of working on): the people you vote for are a reflection of your core values. If you support a well documented liar who is a narcissistic rapist, well then, it’s just something I can’t really get over. Cognitive dissonance is a rampant societal disease.

So, then this January rolled around and I got the split-up vibe again—natal Venus in Aries opposition Uranus in Libra—yeah, astrology is all horseshit—google that aspect. You’ll get an eyeful of how crazy those natives’ love relationships can be.

Fast forward to this Sunday when he apparently found something on my FB page about a glowing review I wrote about the attorney who just closed out my auto accident case yielding me more than twice the amount I’d expected, reducing my medical liens to just $114, when they could have been In the thousands—for a broken shoulder, torn rotator cuff, physical therapy and a totaled car. So, the PT had to take place in my home: even more expensive. I connected the dots because there was blog post reader activity that included a blog post I wrote that concerned him a great deal. I’m sure he was checking to see if I restored the link I’d posted to his website. I had not—since the first time he broke my heart in January 2021.

Over time I’ve come to realize that he is an example of someone who is extremely accomplished at what he does and has a lot of self confidence there, but perhaps isn’t as confident in his conduct of relationships. It’s as if he was very hyper focused on his schooling and forgot to meander off the path to explore learning how to relate. My theory is that it’s very common in Western society. Plus, he’s not drop dead gorgeous (I never seriously fall for those types), but he IS absolutely adorable. I don’t think he thinks so. I can relate; I’ve struggled with loving my face my entire life, even though I’ve had many people tell me I could have been a model.

So, today the spouse updated her profile pic to be one of them as a couple. It could be a few months old. And, I do know she’s lied in her FB page before. In fact, just like one of her, “likes,” I think she’s a gaslighter.

But, I’m taking it at face value (pun intended), I’m done with this fucking drama. I know we (the dude) and I could have had a great relationship. Alas, he wants change and is too scared to make the changes. I think he always dated the low hanging fruit; they were easier, and if it didn’t work out, there was less pain involved. Lordy, so many people operate this way. I guess this is my main reason for posting this very personal story. Maybe someone will say, “Holy crap, that sounds like me; I need counseling.” I am trying to protect his identity, and career and even that of the spouse (mostly cause that would expose him. I’m not real concerned with how she feels, honestly, cause she she gives me very phony vibes).

I have a best friend who went through exactly what I’m dealing with. Her dude was so in love with her. He’d get so starry-eyed around her, I used to think his eyes would pop out if his head. He was married too. And always had an excuse for not leaving: it was Wednesday, he had laundry to wash, the car needed air in the tires, there was no asparagus at three grocery stores and he had to drive from New Smyrna Beach to DeBarry to get some. There was always sone lame excuse.

It didn’t end good for him. It was sad because he was a very sweet man, just like my dude. But,I deserve better. The last few guys I’ve had such entanglements with have been extremely similar. I’ve decided it’s because deep inside, I’m unconvinced I deserve better.

That changes tonight/ this morning.

I still would like some kind of acknowledgment from him that he had jerked me around and hurt me. I’d also like an explanation of why he started this journey with me in the first place.

I really don’t think he was being s player. My intuition—and I’ve been accused of being psychic—tells me he really thought he was on the cusp of big personal change and he got insecure and thought I wasn’t interested when nothing could have been further from the truth.

Unexpressed love us one of the saddest phenomena in our world.

2 thoughts on “No more rollercoaster

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