This is mostly directed to the guy who really hurt my feelings over the last (almost) two years.
Dear Man Who Should Be Reading This,
First let me say that I know you need to be seeing a counselor. I hope you are not so arrogant that you think your education makes you immune from such needs.
And, I think you might be reading this, because I think you take note of a lot my posts. I think you might be a bit obsessive. So am I, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’m obsessive about puzzles, especially human ones. Reading my posts is the only way you could have had an inkling about my admiration for the singer, Robert Plant, as I never once uttered his name to you. But, I think you wanted me to know that. You favor making people read between the lines concerning anything emotional.
I have no idea why you initiated your little heart crushing game with me. I will never know because you will never willingly tell me and I may never ask you. In fact, I may never even see you again. I’m still mulling my options over.
I really doubt you are happy in your current domestic situation. I think I’m right that when you and your spouse were separated by many states, you felt you had more courage than you actually did. Makes me wonder, is she a very controlling person? That could lead to a lot of marital discord. I know I wouldn’t tolerate it. The guy would be gone and if I’d been the major financial player, he’d be booted out of my home, children or not. Maybe, especially if kids were involved. Do they really need to mimic bad behavior? I know I have no children myself, but I do like them and can enjoy watching the wheels turn and expand in their heads, and sometimes, childless people are the most objective observers of such dynamics. As far as potentially causing pain, I favor just yanking that band aid right off. It’s more effective and honest than being afraid of the hurt.
Seeking counseling, for me, has always been easy. I’m very reflective and I know when my mind is fucked up. Plus, my psychology degree enables me to see the value in what psychologists do. And, I’m never ashamed of seeking counseling because I KNOW such an act is a manifestation of strength. Avoiding it is a manifestation of fear and weakness. Which are you?
Nevermind, I’ve got a good idea.
It’s a terrible shame because you are so talented at what you do for a living and your kids need a good example. Honestly, I’m not so concerned about the affect on your spouse; I sense she’s not so innocent. Sometimes I think she knows I could have been a rival; I’ve had some weird Facebook experiences that have bordered on inquisitive vengeance. It’s just my intuition, and I’ve sometimes been accused of being psychic.
If we’d become closer I could have shared some humorous, interesting stories on that. And, I know you could have shared some fun interesting stories with me. That brings me what really hurts. We could have had fun together, but I wouldn’t want that if you had your, “attachment.”
I just hope you figure things out because I think you are very confused. What I suggest is that you do run away-all by yourself-for just awhile. I think you need to be away from almost everything you think you value. You need to break out of your comfort zone. I kind of get the vibe you know all this and that was part of your attraction to me-I’m not the sort of woman who is in your normal circle of comfort. I’m kind of a hippie-gypsy spirit. Maybe that’s part of your problem, you were attracted to other women who were in the same circle I’m in, but you were too scared to try and have them.
I do think you should take a break, maybe to someplace further away than Key West, maybe a place foreign to your sensibilities. I’m guessing Seattle or Vancouver BC might offer the best respite. Portland would be good too because they have one of the best bookstores in the world. Lots of self help books in Powell’s and if you are not brave enough to face counseling, reputable self help books are a good place to start. Plus, there’s so much great coffee and beer there. But, since I might end up in Portland and I love to hang out in Powell’s maybe you should skip PDX.
You might even need a break from your work, but I could understand wanting to be there for the people who need you. My point is I think you need to remove yourself from everything you think or feel you value to see which things, animals, or people your mind and heart misses the most.
If you ever decide you want to explain your behavior and situation to me, I’ll listen. But, I’m not holding my breath. You know where (for now), and how to find me.