Swirling, jumbled, confusion

My first ever view of Oregon, which was my home from June 1992 to September 1999. I took this photo on June 12, 1992 as Brian drove our rental truck from Washington across the Columbia River to Oregon.

On Thursday my ex-husband, Brian, boarded a bus in Knoxville, Tennessee to move back to Portland, Oregon.

When he’d told me around Halloween that he was going to do this, I had no idea the emotions it would stir within me.

They are not the feelings that one might think I’m feeling: missing our marriage, being hopelessly in love, feeling as if the happiness and adventure would last until the rest of our lives.

It’s the place I’m having feelings about and realizing just how deeply Oregon reached into my soul and touched it.

Oregon also represents a time in my life in which I began a new life, a huge change from my Florida roots. It was exciting; a new adventure and a new beginning.

New beginnings. That’s why Brian returned. He’d been living with a toxic person pretty much since our separation in 2004. She had anger issues and rages and totaled Brian’s car in an accident that earned her a DUI. I’m leaning toward a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis.

New beginnings. That’s what I want. I want to slam this latest chapter of my life closed. I’ve been living this chapter since I moved into my current home almost exactly five years ago.

Brian offered to give me new beginnings around Halloween and I had to decline. I’m in the middle of multiple health issues that are improving, but are not yet at a stable place of maintenance. It’s imperative I keep my insurance so I can reach that point. Moving beyond locally, would probably be disastrous.

Witnessing his move across the country via the photos he’s texted me has brought up so many emotions and memories and made me feel very unsettled and reminded me so much of how badly I want to change my life 180 degrees.

Outside of Baker City, Oregon. Brian took this through the bus window earlier today.
These two are of the Columbia River Gorge. Also taken by Brian earlier today.

I have been thinking of returning to live in Portland for, probably, ten years. About three years ago when I first asked Brian if he would want to go with me, he was happily adjusting to his life in Tennessee, and wasn’t really interested.

I didn’t intend for us to return as a couple. If I moved out there now, it would not be to rekindle our former relationship. I think we worked best together as traveling companions.

This event in my ex-husband’s life has tentacles reaching into my psyche awakening parts of my mind that make me realize I’m approaching a crossroads.

Do I leave all my dearest friends and relationship possibilities in Florida for the breathtakingly beautiful patch of Earth that is my muse?

I guess I’ll be sorting out a lot in 2022. Maybe a miracle will happen and I’ll find that there is much, including someone special, that makes it worth staying in Florida.

June 12, 1992. Crossing the Columbia River into Umatilla County, Oregon. It was humorous moving from Florida and arriving in our first Oregon town which shared a name with a Central Florida town.
June 12, 1992. The wide Columbia River between Washington and Oregon. I took both of these photos.
Once we got settled into our first Portland apartment on SW Luradel, I made a scrapbook of our move from Tampa.
The slope of Mt. Hood, Oregon’s highest peak. This is up behind Timberline Lodge. I took this photo in about July 1994.

At the minimum, I want to return to Oregon for a very long visit. I hope I can attract the means to get the money to do that.

One thought on “Swirling, jumbled, confusion

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.