I’m a little calmer

I just ate some food.

I don’t want to be dead. I want to do things. I’m so stuck where I am. I’ve been stuck in this abyss for thirteen years.

My biggest, most depressing and challenging hurdle is getting moved out if this dump I live in. EVERYTHING about my domestic situation is contrary to how it SHOULD BE TO WHAT I WANT IT TO BE. This is the most soul sucking home life I’ve ever had. There are many details I cannot divulge here-maybe later when I’ve moved on from this psychological and physical place.

The thing that’s holding me back is lack of money. And, believe me, I do not waste what I do have. My biggest splurge is Ghirardelli chocolate.

I am grateful EVERY SECOND of EVERY day that I don’t live in a cardboard box or, worse. I am grateful I have food, a place to store it and prepare it and eat it. I am grateful I have electricity and running water. I’m grateful to have the phone I’m writing this on and a laptop. I’m grateful to have the tiny bit of money I DO HAVE.

I’m grateful to be employed at all. I’m grateful I have a car-for now. I NEED TO HAVE MONEY TO PAY FOR IT. NOW. That’s one of the reasons I want a windfall.

I am so very grateful life isn’t worse because I know that no matter how horribly things could be sucking, they could still be worse. I know I deserve better but, I am thankful it is not.

I hope I am not about to learn it IS worse. I’m definitely having issues with my uterus, vagina and colon. I haven’t heard what the biopsy says about the uterus but, periodic bleeding and pain is not normal.

Yet, I’m still grateful I have insurance and access to doctors. I’m just so scared.

That fear on top of the depression over my very unsatisfactory domestic situation is coming very close to breaking me.

But, I am better fir now. Some wonderful people have contacted me over my previous post. I am grateful for each of them.

I don’t want to die, I really don’t I am just tired of beating my head against the wall.

For tonight, my plans are to pay Florida Blue, look for a counselor-I want a psychiatrist to monitor my meds-and a talk therapy counselor and to submit the paperwork I need to send to the Healthcare Marketplace.

I’m sick of this fraying rope I’ve been hanging onto.

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