I know this sounds like an oxymoron situation but, I have issues I need to take care of before I go to the hospital. My medical issue is not dire but, I have no other idea about how to deal with what’s going on in my colon region.

My medical history is dull. I was a preemie so I spent x amount of time in an incubator after I was born; 59 years later I spent two nights in the hospital after having a total knee replacement. Bam, that’s it. Those are the highlights. I’m not an ER/hospital/illness kind of professional. I only know a bit about psychological illness cause I had to as part of my psych degree and while working as a suicide and crisis counselor for over two years. That’s the extent of my medical knowledge.

I think I am experiencing diverticulitis. I have absolutely no idea what will happen when I go to the ER and, I’m going to drive myself to the hospital where I got my shiny new knee. Actually, I have no idea what it really looks like but, I think part of it is metal and I’m pretty sure my surgeon did not construct it in his garage because it is functioning just fine. Plus, I doubt engineering was required for either his undergrad in biology degree or his DO medical degree. But, one never knows all there is to know about a person. Maybe he has interesting mathematical hobbies.

My parents thought I was going to end up in engineering because I used to take all my toys apart and put them back together and, apparently, I did this before one is supposed to have the dexterity to do so. That’s pretty much the extent of my athletic ability, except for working out at the gym and cycling. Even in cycling I’m not a big fan of climbing. I’d rather hike those mountains. That makes photographing them much easier.

Well, gee, I drove my bus into an incorrect route. Where was I? Oh, yeah, I am going to the ER, which sounds more dramatic than it is. I have something going on in my colon area. It’s gradually been getting worse. It hurts the most when I’m standing. Gravity is such a nuisance sometimes. I know my primary would probably send me to get some imaging done; she lacks the equipment in her office. Today the discomfort is bad enough that I need to have it checked out. Since I don’t know if this will require an overnight stay-Gawd, I hope not-I need to bring my CPAP machine for my sleep apnea. The machine is here at home. Also, I finally feel like I can eat some food and I need to do that cause I’m feeling hypoglycemic. So, I’m eating some soup. That’s probably a prelude to my immediate future meals anyway. Yay! I bet I won’t lose any weight either.

Then there’s the question of rent. It’s absolutely due by 4 pm on the 4th. I don’t think they would keep me for two nights. It’s stressing me out thinking of that possibility. Yes, they will charge a late fee even if I’m hospitalized and, no, they won’t cut us any slack at all. This place is on the good side of slum, to quote our former neighbor, Debbie. I’m jealous she escaped. I miss her.

A shower. I gotta gave a shower cause I know I probably won’t get the chance in the hospital. I can’t sleep when I feel dirty. I know, I’m sounding like a girlie girl but, I’m not. There are no acrylic nails on the tips of my fingers. They are gross and a stupid bit of waste that ends up in a landfill. Sorry to those friends of mine who wear them. Same goes for those spider lashes. Don’t people see how ridiculous they looked in the sixties-clownish? And, I say that because clowns are scary. Just look at the one we booted on January 20th. But, that’s ANOTHER bus route.