Actually, I’m unsure of what edition it is but, I know there are probably at least this many times I’ve been exposed to Publix’s evilness since 1966. I know the first time my mother uttered, “We’re never moving back to New Jersey,” was during our first shopping trip to Publix.
Conversely, the first time she uttered, “That’s it, we are moving back to New Jersey,” was after an encounter with a Florida cockroach, aka, the Florida state bird. It’s a myth that the Florida state bird is the mosquito. That honor belongs to Minnesota. Think Land of 10,000 (or is it 100,000?) Lakes and you will know why. Visit Minnesota and you will feel why. Lots of skeeters there.
Publix is evil because I went to the store for cat food-the kind my employer no longer sells-Rachel Ray hard crunchies. We sell the Rachel Ray DOG food but, not the cat kind. It’s clearly feline discrimination. That’s ok because cats are secretly plotting to overtake the world and we will have to bend to their wishes.
So, I was in the Winter Springs Publix, in the pet supply aisle plucking my purple bag of Rachel Ray cat grub off the shelf when my mind wondered to the subject of what’s for dinner Monday night? I have off tomorrow so, I can actually make actual food.
I recalled I had a huge chunk of tofu leftover in the fridge. What goes with tofu? Couscous. I haven’t that in awhile. I headed to the pasta aisle; I was proud of myself to remember to consult the directional arrows stuck to the floor. I even remembered to bring and wear a mask. I’m unsure if that is good or bad. I sure wish I didn’t need to either wear a mask or follow arrows on the floor.
I ended up throwing red and yellow bell peppers into the cart. Tossed in a poblano and a red chili pepper. I already had mushrooms and a red onion at home. I wanted broccoli. I hardly ever get the fresh stuff because it goes bad. My roommate isn’t exactly a broccoli kind of girl. Me? I love food. The only thing coming between me and my appetite is death. Hmm, this is what I eat: I don’t like celery. That stuff is disgusting unless it’s chopped into microscopic bits and added to, say, chicken salad. Oh, and scrapple. Pennsylvania and Jersey readers know what I’m talking about. It’s more disgusting than head cheese. My parents, with their philosophy of, just try it. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it got me to try it and, surprisingly, I lived to graduate high school and college, get married and divorced, avoid motherhood and end up here writing this on my phone while parked on the sofa. Shocking, I know. If ever you are presented with the opportunity to sample scapple, run screaming. And, ok, I’m not fond of tuna salad but, I love tuna steaks. Probably because they are more expensive. Sorry, I veered off course: I rolled over to frozen foods, where I discovered that customers ahead of me emptied the shelves of ninety percent of the frozen veggies. Perhaps they are at home making veggie smoothies because they saw an infomercial on preparing a new COVID-19 cure. I found the last bag of frozen broccoli florets-Publix brand. It was all the way in the back on a bottom shelf.
I also got eggs and Noosa yogurt, because it is evil and it hypnotized me. If Noosa ever makes a chocolate yogurt I will be a total goner.
My roommate has pointed out to me that my use of the word, “evil,” is confusing. I roll my eyes when she complains about this. Clearly, it’s contextual. If it’s desirable, it’s evil. If it’s desirable and bad for you it is muy evil. Thus, adorable men are evil. Theoretically off limits desirable men are in this latter category. Adorable professors and doctors should not be allowed to live. Ok, So that’s drastic but, holy moly, they can be annoying and distracting, like Oregon was when I went there to possibly go to grad school and study human cognition. I ended up traveling a lot and working in the coffee business and loving it.
Because coffee is evil.
I hope my cat appreciates her $43 bag of cat food.