Wow! It’s been a weird couple of weeks. My old Android Samsung phone was about four years old, which in today’s technology climate, is ancient. It was doing all kinds of weird things. I later found out it had been hacked. More on this later.

I knew part of its issue was that it needed a new battery. So, I ordered one and despite the fact that the picture looked exactly like the one I was replacing and that the numbers were the same, I received the wrong battery. I was livid as I didn’t want to spend another cent on that old phone. I decided it was a sign to seriously hunt down a way to get a new iPhone. I am an Apple kind of girl: visually oriented with a huge stash of my own photographs-taken by me and the skills to produce more. Plus, there are a couple of online businesses I want to start. iPhones don’t attract viruses at the same ridiculous rate that Androids do.

So, I went to a company that seems to be very good at pleasing a persnickety segment of the population: old people. I went to Consumer Cellular and found a great deal on an iPhone 7. I’m in love and I’m pretty sure it’s the last love affair I’m ever going to have so, I’m good.

Between my new phone arriving and about now ……well, that’s not true…..the weirdness had begun months ago but, I only acknowledged it on May 21. That’s when my weird number calls mushroomed. That’s when I realized that my spoof caller was baaaack. I hadn’t heard from him in ten, or so,years.

We could have had a thing. Well, we did- for each other but, he turned out to have a rather high school skill set when it came to wooing. And, he bloody well initiated our little dance. I’m not going to give many details here because I vastly underestimated the depth of his dysfunction-and obsession-and he could very well be reading this.

He had procured a “spoof card,” which enables a person to call someone and make it appear that the call was coming from an entirely different number than from the one in which it actually is coming from. In short, the spoof card can make your caller ID lie. I was the receiver of such calls for at least five years. By then, I’d already psychologically moved on from this particular seemingly sweet, kind, adorable and, even, sexy man. He is 12 years my junior which obviously didn’t bother him and it doesn’t bother me. In fact, at my age, most men are retired, in more ways than one. I don’t believe in retirement. I think the concept is stupid. But, this all began when I was 43 and he was 31. We met at UCF. I’d just returned to college to rack up GPA points to get into grad school. He was a grad TA. My TA. I was about to discover I was not so happily married. Yeah, I know. Not the thickest line I ever crossed: I dated an ex-psych professor-AFTER I took every class he taught and not for the crush-but because we both were into cognitive research. The torture of our secret mutual crush lasted three years. Now, he doesn’t speak to me because of the guy who turned out to be my spoof caller. I think he got pissed back in 2005 when I told him that he’d been spending his career looking at too many bell curves and that my attraction to pre-spoof man was the most intense attraction I’d ever had to anyone and was completely confused by it. He ghosted me after that email. How funny, I should have been looking at some bell curves myself. But, silly me, I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Well, here I am now. Spoofer is back and May 21st is a significant date because it was his 48th birthday. Juxtaposed on top of the spoof calls was the hacking of my Facebook page-twice and the constant barrage of fake friend invitations I was receiving-sometimes six per day. Granted, I know some of those were actual catfishers but, those ones with zero friends and almost zero posts: all fake. Reminiscent of the fake Yahoo dating profiles I was getting back in the first “spoof era.” Yes, spoofer was responsible for those, too.

My friends who lived through that era with me kept saying my current dilemma was caused by my spoofer but, I was hesitant. I kept thinking that it couldn’t be him. After ten years? No way.

My belief changed after I received a call from spoofer’s Orange County, Florida hometown ON MY NEW PHONE. His hometown is rual and small and the only human connection I have to it is him. I shrieked when I saw the town’s name in my list of missed calls. I couldn’t believe it.

Being unaware of his lurking, I’d texted, from my old phone, my new number to about five of my closest friends. The bastard had hacked my phone; he’d been through my text messages. So, I had to call and change my number.

Then, I did a stupid thing. Being unfamiliar with all the buttons and things on the new phone, I accidentally tapped on the number he’d called “from” his hometown. When I realized the phone was dialing, I shrieked again but, prayed that maybe it was another of his spoofs the the actual owner of that number would get the call and not the spoofer. No such luck.

I’d only been looking at the original hometown number because it seemed familiar and I thought maybe it belonged to his parents. But, I guess he wanted me to figure out it was him (maturity rearing it’s head? Fat chance) and hours later, at the end of my shift at work, I saw that he’d called again. So, I had to change my number again.

While this little drama was unfolding, I’d received another friend invitation from a fake man on Facebook. This guy was given the moniker that was intended to be goofy. He gave him the last name of LabZY. My gut immediately told me to google it. I ignored the advice until a couple of nights ago and I did google labZY and learned that it’s a device that measures radiation and can detect the age of things. Holy crap. I knew what that meant. So, I googled some more. Turns out it can be used in some health settings but, is mostly a tool for engineers, geologists and archaeologists. Guess what profession spoofer is in: yep, archaeology. Too coincidental to be coincidental, as the cliche goes. I don’t really believe in coincidence anyway.

So, here I am with intuitive knowledge of who my hacker and spoofer is with no way to prove it.

I have zero interest in renewing a relationship with this very damaged man. I do hope he gets counseling. I am still stunned by his antics. I really thought it would have been a good relationship. He’s smart, kind (when he’s not off his rocker) and extremely attractive but, I don’t need or want a stalker.

It would be great to find a stable, passionate, kind, sweet, intelligent, good man who loves sex and is talented at it. But, I just don’t seem to be that lucky. I get spoof callers.

I have no idea how this got turned in to a discussion on my complicated love life. Hopefully, some innocent person may get some helpful knowledge and advice from it.

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