I really suck at endings. They tend to depress me and give me inertia. It interferes with tying up loose ends.
This year I’m trying not to care. I am trying to let go of feeling stuck. I think numb is the emotion I should aim for. Yet, stuck is my dominant emotion. The biggest source of this is the fact that I have not had a functional car for over four months now. In a city that has great mass transit that would not be a problem. In Portland, Oregon I wouldn’t even be in a hurry to replace or repair my car. In Orlando it is a hardship. I am truly blessed to have some amazing transportation angels-co-workers-who have been hauling my butt to and from work. One of them, Vickie, has even gone out of her way to transport me and my dirty laundry to and from the laundromat.
Stuck is how I feel writing this blog right now at 10:45 pm Eastern Time. So, please forgive me if this rambles. I am at a crossroads. I want to write. I know that is the key to turning my life around and, yet, I fail to do it. Tonight is one of those times I am forcing myself to write. It always makes me feel better, even if I am writing something I am unhappy with. I am not arrogant; not everything I write is going to be brilliant. I am not even sure ANYTHING I write will ever be brilliant. I am sure all writers, indeed all artists, produce crap once in awhile. Some of it gets published and makes tons of money. Witness, Fifty Shades of Grey.
My blog site is still in the medicinal stage; it’s therapy for me. If someone reads this and relates to my jumbled feelings and it spurs them into getting help that is great. Currently, I am not getting counseling. I think I have spent a quarter of my life in counseling. As stuck and depressed as I feel I am still dealing with it. I know what I need to focus on and I am good at recognizing when I do need some talk therapy. And as unhappy as I am with the state of my life right now, I am still hopeful. I am grateful. I live in a dumpy apartment but, it is better than a box under the interstate overpass. I am working a job that is way below my abilities and education but, I have employment and income. After two years, our landlord installed a washer and dryer. My next door neighbor, Debbie, gave me her old 32 inch Toshiba HD TV because her son got her a brand new 55 inch one. I hooked up the Clear TV antenna I bought last Fall and it works great. I have functional television for the first time since June 2017. I have a wonderful, affectionate, goofy cat named, Cammie. She is the main source of joy in my life. She loves to bite paper, especially debit receipts, drink from the bathroom sink faucet and thinks every bowl contains yogurt for her to snack on.
That is it for now. Yeah, I suck at endings.
This is somewhere in the vicinity of eastern New Mexico or western Texas. I took this photo in September 1999.