I’m just so exhausted

I’ve been trying to crawl out of a deep dark financial pit I put myself into via mismanagement in 2007. I don’t blame anyone else. I’ve beaten myself up over this for probably the first ten years. After I wrecked my finances I cried everyday for three years.

This is a photo of The Tower card in my Rider-Waite Tarot deck. The artwork was done by Pamela Coleman Smith. The Tower represents sudden upheavals and the consequences one will have to overcome. It represents what I did to myself in May of 2007. It could mean any huge upset, like: divorce, sudden career ending or devastating accident. It is associated with the planets Uranus and Pluto.

Throughout this battle I’ve constantly maintained an attitude of gratitude. I know it could be way worse. For starters, even though I am an essential worker, I’ve dodged the COVID bullet, so far. I’m not living in a box under a freeway overpass. I do have a job. I have a roommate to split bills with. My overall health is good. I got my knee replaced. I got the first step done in fixing my edema-which is not horrible anyway. The left leg is improving. I have health insurance and, thus, medication for my bi-polar 2 disorder. I have a laptop and smart phone to write on. My car is still holding up. I have more than ten dollars in the bank (as of this writing). I have food and places to preserve and prepare it. I have running water and electricity. I have clothes and shoes and a toothbrush and toothpaste. I have dental floss. There’s gas in my car. I have a great higher education, including a BA. I have great life experiences which include seven years living in Oregon, learning the coffee trade and exploring the West. I’m grateful for being married for 12 years. I have a great sense of humor, a strong sense of ethics and honesty. I am creative and have a solidly, statistically significant higher than average IQ. I have books. I enjoy reading books. I do have some wisdom. I have cameras and photography skills and even a small amount of talent. I am a good writer. I have a good memory. I’m pretty good with math too. I was blessed with very smart parents who surrounded me with books, gave me insight and knowledge, a deep love of learning both formal and informal and a love of travel. They taught me tolerance and respect and fairness. These are great gifts I got from two people who were flawed and later became alcoholics. I have good people skills and mental health counseling skills. I am thankful to live in a first world country-one of the greatest in this planet. I am grateful to live in a state that has tremendous natural beauty and is the well of so much humor and great writers. I could go on about all the things I am grateful for but, I am most grateful for the love of the people in my life. They are my foundation and I am blessed and thankful having the skills to cultivate a sincere personality that has helped me attract that love and support.

But, there are factors in my life that are wearing me down and I feel as though I am beating my head against a wall. There is so much more I want in my life that seems to arrive at arm’s reach and then drift away or, in the case of romantic love, run away.

I’m exhausted and reaching the end of my hope.

I need a Miracle Angel.

The sky over the Florida Keys in June 2005. One of the photos I took on my most recent vacation.

In all honesty, money would solve almost every lack I have. I pray for a huge surplus because one of my dreams is to have so much money I can practice random acts of financial kindness of any size whenever I want, which would be daily.

I’m so tired of the financial struggles. They are wiping me out and I’m running out of time to have it realize all my dreams.

The Star card from the same Tarot deck. It’s my favorite card, one of the most positive cards one can get in a reading. It represents, hope, enlightenment, having the resources to and reaching one’s dreams. It is associated with the 11th sign of the zodiac, Aquarius.

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