How fitting but, my melt down happened on Friday. No long details; I’m too exhausted.
What set me off was the Florida Blue agent telling me over the phone,”You’re account has been terminated.” I immediately lost it. Right now the only thread I have to normalcy is my access to healthcare and my happy pills.
So, tears gushed out and quite unconsciously I blurted out something like, “Well you need to fix this otherwise I’m just going to quit life.” It’s the closest I’ve come to really feeling like I wanted to be dead since my one and only stay in the loony bin in Longwood. That was Fall of 2004 or, as a few of us in Florida call it, the year of the hurricanes. That was a horrible year for a lot of us. Florida got hit with four hurricanes.
At least, to my complete surprise, it greased the wheels at Florida Blue and I eventually got my insurance reactivated- or it will be by Monday. They finally took my money but, it took two hours of multiple phone calls, crying and, venting on Facebook.
Because of that venting someone from work called 911 to send a cop to do a wellness check on me. By the time she arrived I had my insurance issue fixed. It was a weird experience talking with that Winter Springs police officer about my mental state. I do understand why the 911 call was made. I can’t be mad. And, long ago I gave up feeling embarrassed about such things. I pretty much don’t give a rat’s ass what people think. I stopped being embarrassed about this crap in 1985 when my mom was in an irreversible coma for a month. If I began bawling my eyes out in the grocery store check out line, I did not care what anyone thought or if I got weird looks, I returned one that could kill them, if that were possible. Eventually, her ventilator was turned off so her lungs would crash and she could die.
Notice I did not say, “pass,” or, “pass away.” I loathe those euphemisms. SHE DIED. SHE CROAKED. SHE BOUGHT THE FARM. I prefer any one of those. It’s not easy to deal with the death of a family member and I resent the attempt to lessen the blow.
My point here is that I’m dealing with a lot of crap: finding other employment-either as a second income or as a total replacement-and I’m still dealing with the afore written about life fixing chores. Now, I’m adding hunting down cheap counseling. My depression is just too deep.
My life is nothing like I thought it would be. I miss happily married life or, at the very least, happily romantically involved life. I think I just need to give up on that.
I will get here when I can. I hope all of you are doing good.