Eh, I wanted to write a post way earlier. I swear, I was dozing off in my recliner at 6:00 pm. I got a second wind around 9;00 pm. I hate that. I’m trying to wind down. I just finished drinking a mug of hot chocolate. I paid my Florida Blue (health insurance) premium. I figured since I’m getting a new knee installed on May 16th I should have it paid up.

So, I’m stressing about money more than usual. I’ll be getting 60% of my my average pay. It’s better than zilch, but my full paychecks suck. And, this time (knee) around I have a car payment and overpriced auto insurance which is hard to replace with a cheaper policy thanks to some unconscious, shot, criminal asshole who drove his Ford Ranger into three cars stopped at a red light at an extremely busy intersection. Florida has no fault insurance which, in reality, is, “everybody’s fault insurance.” Basically the causal driver does not get penalized in his insurance policy; but the people whose lives he altered do. So, I’m trying not to be terrified, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be upping my Xanax intake.

I’m going to make another Go Fund Me campaign, but this time around, I’m not going to be asking my friend, Kim, to advertise on her YouTube channel. I’d be hypocritical if I did.

Kim, who I love, is very Christian and is steeped in Christ’s Second Coming. I briefly, for a few very confused years, entertained the idea that I should be more tolerant of the idea that maybe this flavor of Christianity might have some merit. So, I didn’t feel guilty. I’ve very recently swung back to beliefs closer to what I had in college.

I’m just not Christian. I’m not a believer of any organized religion. I’m not an atheist, or an agnostic. I do believe there is energy out there that is secular and scientific; I’m spiritual. Everything IS energy, including thoughts. To me, no holy book is holy. A physics textbook is holy. A biology textbook is holy. A psychology textbook is holy, as is an anthropology textbook, or a textbook full of poetry and short stories written by masters. I believe we are all connected, but that there is no supreme leader directing it all. There is no divine plan. Nature is my cathedral. What happens in this world is up to us humble humans. And, boy have we made a fucking mess of things. No spiritual leader is returning to Earth to save his believers.

My life has been a huge rough sea of confusion since 2007, when my finances imploded and I immediately began feeling inadequate, guilty and undeserving of goodness and joy. My self confidence was destroyed. I’ve been surfing on the undulating sine waves of transformation and growth. My finances still suck, but I’m getting some footing back. I’m back on the societal monetary grid, My spiritual life is the backbone that’s being rebuilt. I feel good about that.

What I really want in my tangible life is for the financial section of that backbone to be rebuilt in such a way that enables me to financially help others who have had their foundations damaged.

I want that almost more than anything.

Here are some of my photos, just to switch subjects.