I want you to pick me up and carry me for awhile. I’ve been through total shit since May of 2007. I take all the blame.

Sure it wasn’t all horrid. I had fun times here and there, almost always with my dearest friends on the phone, or in person. After my life imploded in 2007, I literally cried every single day for over two years.

For now, I am absolutely terrified. Rose, my roommate, and I might end up being evicted because we lack the $1250 for our rent due on 8/4.

I’m on leave from work because of my knee surgery and the short term disability checks suck. I’m grateful to have the paltry $182 a week, but it’s not enough. I am employed at Sprouts Farmers Market in Winter Park. I’ve been in leave for my surgery since mid-May. Recovery hasn’t been so smooth. I developed an allergic reaction to the bandage adhesive. I spent two nights in the hospital after Rose took me to the ER ( the same day she arrived home from one of her stays in South Seminole Orlando Health hospital). She stayed with me until 1-2 am, when we learned I was being admitted. They thought I was septic. I am thankful to her for that.

Rose has been through hell with five hospital stays since 5/30. She has health issues related to her birth. These most recent stats are only a fraction of the other stays she’s had.

She had a complicated six hour surgery at Tampa General Hospital last Summer. I wrote quite a few posts on that between late June August. She had multiple complications that required returning to Tampa General. We live in the Orlando area, so one-way it’s a two hour drive.

She also is employed; she works for Walmart nearby ( that’s actually how we met in 2016), and thank you, Mother Nature, it is one of the decent stores with good management. But, because of her health issues, she hasn’t worked much, but she’s also trying to do Doordash when she can.

I’ll be doing that too, once my physical therapy is done and my gait and balance is better. It’s improved a lot, but physical therapy got postponed almost three weeks because of the allergic reaction. In fact, as sit here on the edge on my bed writing this on my phone, the redness is still with me and is still painful. It feels like the worst sunburn possible. It covered my whole right calf. It’s pretty much a chemical burn. My skin goes through phases where it gets very stiff (it’s mostly concentrated on the lower leg and ankle area). Then it peels. I think I’m shedding several layers of damaged skin.

The knee surgery required pins be put into my lower leg to work in conjunction with the robot my surgeon used to replace my knee. So, it needed a separate bandage on that area. I swear I’m spending as much money on hydrocortisone and pain killers as I am on gas.

I am tremendously grateful to all of those folks who have helped me and, indirectly, Rose, for all the financial help you have given me. I will go to my grave (hopefully in quite a long while from now) thankful for everything everyone has done for me.

I truly want some kind of wonderful miracle to fill the financial void I’m experiencing. In my biggest fantasy, I want to win a huge lottery jackpot to get out of this abyss and start my life over by first evenly splitting the prize with my dearest friends, who I’ve known for very many years, who have helped me tremendously throughout those years.

I want to be on the other side of this equation; I want to be the person who gives much of that prize (my part of it) to those in need. I want to be the one who scrolls through Go Fund Me campaigns and gives donations to the people suffering money shortages. I want to give to Habitat for Humanity, animal rescue charities, environmental and educational causes. I want to start scholarships at all of my alma maters to help struggling women of over the traditional college age. I want to donate to university libraries.

I want to not be evicted, but gain the money to move from here of my own volition, on good terms with the landlord. I want to find a clean, comfortable, pest-free, safe home, that might be a little fun and quirky.

I want to make my own office/writing space/library where I can create blog posts, fiction, essays, freelance articles, and some photography.

Universe, I want your help, I’m tired, overwhelmed, emotionally drained, confused, anxious, unhappy—unhappy because I’m tired of being optimistic, and having a great attitude, and being told I have a great attitude, while nothing significantly improves. This has made me feel trapped and immobile, and it’s been going on since 2007.

Universe, I hope you are listening.

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I refer to my spiritual guide as The Universe. I am a spiritual person. I am wary of all organized religions. There are too many gods out there for only one to be the True God.

To me, the universe is just matter and energy and vibrations. It’s kind of the Law of Attraction, but without all the commercial hype.

I guess, if I had to pin a name on what I believe, it would be closest to transcendentalism. Nature is my church.

I also base my beliefs on current scientific findings and hedge my bets on some things that are difficult to gather scientific data on. Paradigms shift and the one constant in science is that it is in flux. That does not mean that facts are immutable. It means we live by that current scientific paradigm. What’s important is that we live honestly according to what the current science says.

To me organized religion gets so tainted by the arrogance of many of its adherents. But, I think it is also arrogant to flatly say, “The is no god.” We don’t know for sure. But, when we do, s/he won’t be living behind pearly gates.

I’ve just never understood the concept of needing a religion or a holy book to tell me what is right or wrong, I used to voice this confusion to my parents. They completely agreed.

These are just my thoughts; digest what you like, and please don’t try to force your conclusions upon others.

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For anyone who can possibly help me and Rose, I have two online accounts. Absolutely any amount is acceptable and will be appreciated.

PayPal: aquarius2956sun@yahoo.com

Venmo: @SPAMMY0219 (that’s zero 219)

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Thank you all for reading this.