My life has been in transition, probably, since 2007. There have been many chapters and levels and kinds and too many crossroads to count.

I’m still in that crossroads I mentioned in a post a few months back. I make plans, then something comes along and changes my point of view, and alters my plans.

One thing that has remained constant, though not outwardly expressed as much as felt, is my gratitude. But, I have gratitude juxtaposed onto loathing.

I loathe my current domicile, but I’m grateful to have a solid home, that’s a tangible, physical townhouse (not anywhere near as nice as that sounds), that has protected me for almost seven years. I’m also grateful I have electricity and running water in this home.

I hate my crappy kitchen that lacks enough counter space to do the cooking I like to do. Yet, I’m grateful to have this home in which I refrigerate, store, prepare and consume food. I hate my over stuffed fridge and that I feel I’m fighting a losing battle trying to keep it clean and organized, same goes for the pantry. Some people don’t care about those things.

But, I’m grateful to have Rose as a roommate; she’s been covering the bills I haven’t been able to cover because my job has been inadequate. For now, I’ve been paying all of the electricity and water bills. Im still searching the internet for home based income to fill in the holes.

The job has been a disappointment: not enough hours on a regular basis, and irregular, rollercoaster shifts, some opening, some closing, some mids. But, I’m grateful to have employment. I’m grateful for the kind co-workers I do have. I’m grateful I’m working for a company that has some class, unlike Walmart.

I am not thrilled to have car payments or expensive auto insurance, but I’m extremely grateful to have a dependable car that I love driving. I hate how I got it: four car accident that gave me a torn rotator cuff and a broken shoulder. But, I’m grateful I lived. I’m grateful everyone lived, even the idiot who caused the wreck by getting shot committing a crime and then driving down busy Semoran Blvd until he passed out.

I walk fine lines of loathing some parts of my life, but constantly being grateful I am not without those parts.

I know I deserve better, but I am grateful things are not worse.