I love Halloween. Wish I was spending it in a better home. I visualize decorating in the clean, organized, safe, quirky home I want. Grateful for all the loving people in my life. Grateful to be employed and have SOME money. Want to get out of this slump. Too depressed to find ways to become undepressed. Grateful for health insurance. I want this sinus infection to finally end—even if it takes surgery. I’m sick of being sick. It’s contributing to my depression. It’s not my immune system: this is the only illness I get—regularly. Deviated septum. Three more days (that will be two whole weeks) of antibiotics. My ears hurt from the pressure—still. Still get dizzy, chills and small fevers. I did use my Neti bottle. Doctor gave me a new one.

Grateful I have a good dependable car. I want a good-paying non-retail job. This time of year makes me miss the Pacific Northwest, I miss seeing the leaves change. I miss sitting on a park bench (no, not listening to Aqualung, by Jethro Tull) in downtown Portland with a hot mocha, my journal and my camera. Florida Falls suck.

I miss mountains. I miss Powell’s Books, I miss great coffeehouses. I miss good dependable mass transit. I miss cold weather. I miss gloom. I miss forests filled with germs, miss and humongous ancient trees.

This apartment sucks, yet I’m grateful to have a home. I try to visualize what I want as I’m drifting off to sleep. It looks a whole lot better than what I have now.

It’s 1:09 am and I have to be at work by 9 am later today. Just really don’t want to go. My right knee definitely does not want to go. It kinda popped out getting out of my car at Publix this evening, around 6 pm. My orthopedic appointment is November 3rd—I think. Knee’s been giving me fits since. Carpel tunnel started acting up a couple of nights ago. My right hand is tinging as I type. I want a respite.

I want to drive north through the Florida peninsula, take a hard left at the big bend and keep driving till I hit the Pacific Ocean. Haven’t had a vacation since 2005. Way past due and I am deserving of one, or several.

Damn, need to get into the shower and get ready for bed.

I got new CPAP parts delivered today. Thank God, the head gear on my face mask is stretched out. It gets loose and wakes me up. Kind of defeats the purpose of having a device to mitigate my sleep apnea.

I got Rose addicted to the, now out of production, TV show, “Grimm.” Got her so hooked she ordered the complete six year long series on DVD. We’ve been binging. I eat to go downstairs and watch more episodes.

Can’t. Work later. I’ll be exhausted. Retail has totally fucked up my sleep schedule. Need to work on improving this by getting a better job. Depression interferes. Yes, I’m medicated. Might need to swap out the Wellbutrin. Been on that, mostly, since 2003.

Ugh, I really need to get to bed. Really don’t want to go to my retail job. I want to stay home and write, and write down ideas for blog posts that could be essays, or more journalistic pieces. I want to research info to write those things. Frustrated. Disappointed. Depressed.

Later.

It’s now 1:47 am, after adding more and editing.

Later, again.