Exhausted. Exhausted

Scared. Anxious. Worried. Broke. Want to earn more money. Depressed. Sad.Hmm

All these things, and more, making me exhausted.

I

Confused. Angry. Bewildered. In disbelief. Still stunned since 6/15. It was surreal. Yet, it doesn’t feel over. Vindictive woman? Rude woman. Not smart enough to realize her attempt at manipulation was a failure. Skin so rough it feels like poorly sawed wood. Impressive for all the wrong reasons. Control freak? Fake. Boy, she knew me. I’d sensed that since 2020. Hmmm. Not my problem, but wished he’d feel like he could talk to me. Under her thumb? Why, he’s obviously the one with the brains and income. Doesn’t feel like he deserves better, what/who he wants? Yeah, that’s the vibe. I’ve been accused of being psychic at times. My Mercury is in Pisces; a correlation there.?Pondering dynamics is a puzzle I can’t resist poking at.

I guess it’s why I love psychology. People are a good idea on paper—the older I get the more I feel this way. School. Miss it. Love formal learning and I’m excellent at it. Thought about teaching, but unless the students are at least juniors in college, I could be tempted to throttle the annoying ones. Just in the cartoons I run in my head. I’d be a tough grader, write, “I shoulda went,” zap, whole grade lower. If you write or talk like that in college (university level) you don’t belong there. Not sorry. Just honest.

I wish I could get paid to go to school, or get paid WHILE writing. Established authors have that privilege. Not newbies. Still I visualize earning my living using words and photos.

Coffee. I love coffee. And, chocolate.

Seriously, want to get lucky: better job and pay, or lottery winnings. I’ll take either or both. Visualize winning and splitting it among my loved ones. Visualize living in a good home. Clean. Pest-free. Safe. Quirky. Rental house. Decide my future there. In healthy environment.

Can’t make this long. Have to get up early to work on improving my life. Have off from work Monday and Tuesday. Thinking about a demo job—can often make my own schedule.

Wish I had the money to take Poyndexter through a car wash. He needs an oil change. Andrew has ghosted me—he’s our mechanic. I’d rather give him the money and work than go to one of those quickie oil change places. Want to get this done before I take Rose to her next surgery follow up in Tampa. That’s two hours away—178 miles round trip. Makes me nervous. But, she’d do it for me.

Decided that I need to look at my domestic situation differently. We are stuck in this nasty apartment together. We’ll get out of here together. I just hope I can get my own home. No offense, Rose, but I miss living by myself. I enjoy all the meditation space. We are having fun together. Getting know one another better. I’m glad got her surgery; it should be life-improving for her. I hope so. I’d help her, if need be, to get her own place. I almost feel like I’m supposed to help her get strong that way. Kind of how I feel I’m supposed to help someone else (the guy referenced above) learn some things about himself. Just our connection seems karmic to me. It’s weird. He’s educated enough to realize he needs to self reflect, and be honest.

People can be a pain in the ass.

I’m too tired to think anymore. It’s 12:51 am EDT. I gotta go to bed.