I return to work tomorrow at 3:30 pm. I work the same shift I worked yesterday. My shift ends at 8:30.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I am very grateful to have a job and income and I am happy to not be working at Walmart.

I just so desperately want change. I’ll refine that. I want improvement. I’m tired of not being the Goddess of My Own Schedule. I honestly feel it’s kind of insulting to have to fuck up my sleep and life schedule to work in retail.

It’s not brain or cancer surgery, it’s not rocket science or human factor psychology so, why do so many managers or CEO’s act as if it is and yet keep wages in the toilet? Hasn’t this pandemic shown everyone that grocery retail is essential? I haven’t felt any more appreciated by my bosses since this germ infected every inch of everyone’s life. I don’t feel it at Sprouts and I felt less appreciated at Walmart.

Mostly what I heard from the store managers at Walmart was bitching when call outs increased. Really? They were surprised more people called out? Didn’t they even consider that many of us were tired, angry and terrified? It’s exhausting keeping your worry about getting a potentially fatal illness from your $11.44 per hour job on the back frigging burner of your psyche. No, they didn’t get that at all. Mostly what I heard from one of my front end managers (coaches, in current Walmart parlance) was, “Why is it scary? If you’re doing everything right, how is it scary?” Yes, she actually said this. I almost replied, “I guess you don’t read much or pay attention to the news.”

Working through this experience has only reinforced my desperate desire to mostly work for myself and write. I have ideas for a couple of online businesses. I just want some start-up funds. It’s so hard when you live paycheck to paycheck. Savings? What’s that? Vacation? Get me a dictionary, no, I’ll just google it.

This circles back to my shift tomorrow. I don’t want to work it. I want to whip out my computer and work on my novel, start my kid’s book and work on this site.

I know I could look at it as I’m supplying an important service to the populace. I know that people need to buy food, toiletries and household supplies. Yes, this is an honorable service. However, my skills, talents and education eclipse those that are needed to perform that service. I believe everyone is born to use their talents and skills-all of them, especially those that supply joy-to contribute to society and Earth. It’s kind of insulting to have people tell me I should be happy with playing this role in society. I guess that might make me a snob in the eyes of some people. Those people don’t really see the big picture; they see just the tiny details. I’m a person who immediately sees the big picture and then breaks it down to the details.

Yes, I am grateful to be employed, I just want to do work that touches my soul and my reason for being on this planet.

I seriously need to work past this depression and figure out how to initiated the improvement I want.